I wanted to surprise people with my best of list so I decided to applaud stuff that is not real. At least, I assume this stuff is not real. Anything is possible, because the internet.
BEST BACON THING
The Bacon Bowl Hat.
It’s just like the old school beer hat but with bacon. You put this bowl hat on your head, then put a bunch of chopped up bacon bits in the bowl, then suck them through the attached straw until your heart hurts. Yes, it’s dangerous to suck chunks of bacon through straws, but really you should only wear The Bacon Bowl Hat at parties. And at any party where The Bacon Bowl Hat is welcome there will be at least one jackass who thinks he knows the Heimlich Maneuver.
BEST SEXUALLY EXPLICIT POP SONG
Errybody Be Tired (From F*ckin’)
It’s a wonder it took someone this long to come up with a good post party anthem, but singer/songwriter LaJohnson really knocked this one out of the park. And his partner, MC Proper, did an amazing job with the family friendly radio edit Errybody Be Tired (Of Auto Tunin’). All the power of the original in half the time.
BEST NEW TV SHOW
In this riveting murder/post office procedural, brilliant but misanthropic Post Officer, Kenny Hammer, discovers a body part in the mail. This leads him to team up with sexy but smart FBI agent, Amber Bradley, who is also a world champion kickboxer. After they solve that first case in record time, the government assigns the unlikely couple to work together on ALL Post Office related murders. Tensions rise as Hammer and Bradley begin to flirt, investigate the decades old unsolved postal related murder of Bradley’s favorite uncle, and break all the rules by going out of their jurisdiction to investigate a Fed Ex related serial killer. A gripping show with plots ripped straight out of the headlines and not a bad advertisement for the endangered USPS.
BEST SNL SKETCH
Ren Fest Talkie Guy.
He’s at his office job, dressed normally, but he’s still yelling really loud like he was doing his shtick out at the Renaissance Festival. It is hilarious. I could go on and on about this bit for twenty minutes and I still couldn’t go on about it for as long as the sketch lasted.
BEST NEGATIVE WORD CO-OPTED TO MEAN SOMETHING POSITIVE
As in “that shit is used!” If something’s really sick or tight you can go the extra mile and say, “that shit is gently used.”
BEST POLITICAL SEX SCANDAL
Senator Bob Sanderson accidentally masturbating during the Republican debate on PBS.
This was a groundbreaking twist on the inevitable revelation of inappropriate sexual conduct and the inspiration for the most politically damaging animated gif ever. While the strange display did give him a brief jump in the polls, the revelation of the underlying psychological condition ultimately tanked his candidacy. One prominent political analyst said, “America is looking for a team player.” Personally, I saw the candidate Republicans claim they want: a no-nonsense guy who takes what he wants.
BEST MYERS-BRIGGS TYPE
BEST NEW GOOGLE PRODUCT
This innovative program scans your e-mails, g-chats, Google+ status updates, etc. for trigger words or phrases like stress, alcohol, chocolate, in-laws, and CGI additions to original Star Wars trilogy. When a danger level is detected, GoogleYourMom checks in with you to make sure you’re okay and that you’re not fucking up your life. Messages include–”Are you hungry? Should we order a pizza?”, “Do you feel safe? Should we call a cab?”, “Do you want me to look on ebay for the unaltered 2006 DVDs?” Under particularly harsh circumstances you will get this message: “I’m not angry, I’m just disappointed.” Having received that message more than once, let me tell you, it is effective. When something that exists on the internet is disappointed in you, that is a wake up call.
BEST VIRAL VIDEO
British Man Alarmed By Cat.
“Oh, bugger me, a pussy!” will be in our cultural lexicon for some time to come.
BEST ZOMBIE FILM
Zombie of the Zombies.
In this brilliant meta mash-up, a group of attractive young twentysomethings are infected with a mysterious zombie plague while locked in a movie theater watching a marathon of zombie movies. The massive variety of types of zombies, I mean, like, there’s both fast and slow, makes this film totally used.
BEST OFFENSIVE MEME
The AIDS Dolphin.
Is AIDS Dolphin tasteless? Oh my, yes. Is there a possibility that the omnipresence of this promiscuous marine mammal is helping to raise awareness of a horrible disease? You bet.
BEST NEW SOCIAL MEDIA PLATFORM
This exciting new site allows you to post all the angry, bitter, ugly things you don’t want to share on all your public accounts. KeepIt2Yourself.com features an intricate connection system in which all friendship requests are auto blocked giving you the satisfaction of saying no without all the social risk. Warning: This one is a real time suck. Almost more than TymeSuckr.com.
BEST NEW FAST FOOD PRODUCT
The Salad Burger.
The Jiffy Burger franchise’s game changing idea of constructing an entire heart healthy salad (with lettuce, ham, cheese, jerk chicken, and Low Fat BBQ Chipotle Honey Mustard Dressing) then serving it between two massive quarter pound Angus Beef Burgers on a Butter Injected Bun was only missing one thing: bacon. Luckily, the company recognized this embarrassing gaffe, called a press conference, made a public apology, and immediately released The Salad Burger 2.0: Bacon Harder.
BEST META JOKE IN A BEST OF LIST
And that’s 2011! I look forward to writing my Best of 2012 which should include only one item: Best Apocalypse.
If you feel I missed any really, really great things that didn’t happen in 2011, feel free to add yours to the comments section.
Happy New Year and all the best (real or fake) in 2012!